Wellll......

I have been informed that perhaps I have been an absent blogger. That is true yet it has been a necessary break. I only like to blog when I feel things so deeply that I want to share them with others. Lately though, the things I've been feeling I've only wanted to share with select few people.

I'm not even sure how to begin summing up the past two months so I'll just begin and do my very best.

I did not get into medical school. AGAIN. It was a strange sense of deja vu .. to get the email and know what it said although I had really prayed that it would say something different. Where am I going from here? I'm really not any more sure today than I was on November 17th (when I originally found out). I went through some days when I wanted to give up and try something different.. yet that nagging feeling was constantly in my heart.. what if.. what if I took the MCAT and applied again.. what if I got in that time?
I'm not giving up.. I truly feel the Lord is calling me to medical school. My desire to be a doctor is deeper than anything else .. I think if I ever tried to do something else I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Something else that's been really fun the last few weeks is that Cole has been home. What a blessing he is in my life! Whether we are watching a movie, playing a game or going to Wal Mart on Christmas Eve (crazyyy we are..) we have so much fun together. He challenges me in so many ways.. in what I say and how I act towards others. He brings out the best in me and allows me to relax in life. We are different in so many ways and I marvel at that.. yet the ways the Lord has brought us together is amazing. The way we can talk about life, about what we feel God is calling us to do, the way we support each other.. it's all such a blessing in my life.

Each year around Christmas time I pray that God will teach me something new about the Christmas story. I've been hearing it for years.. reading it on my own enough to recite it yet I never want it to lost its authenticity. This year was no exception.. Christmas Eve morning I pulled a book off my shelf that I had never read. A friends mom got it for me as a gift last year for Christmas. It's written by Max Lucado, "An Angel's Story".. such a different perspective for me. The entire book is written from an angel's perspective of the birth of Jesus. It's just incredible to remember that the sweet baby we picture in the manger was also FULLY God.. He has all the power, strength and deserves all the honor and praise too.
The book opens with God's decision to give the world a second gift.. the first gift being choice and Jesus being the second gift. The book explores the battle that takes place between good and evil, in the midst of Jesus being born there was a battle... because Satan wanted nothing more than to keep this second gift from coming to the world.
"Our minds were filled with Truth we had never before known. We became aware for the first time of the Father's plan to rescue those who bear His name. He revealed to us all that was to come. At once amazed and stunned, the eye of every angel went to one part of the child: the hands which would be pierced... they will be healed because of His wounds."
The angels are in awe of the Lord's plan. And they tell Mary this:
"Do you know who you hold, Mary? You secure the Author of grace. He who is ageless is now moments old. He who is limitless is now suckling your milk. He who strides upon the stars, now has legs too weak to walk; the hands which held the oceans are now an infant's fist. To Him who has never asked a question, you will teach the name of the wind. The Source of language will learn words from you. He who has never stumbled, you will carry. He who has never hungered you will feed. The King of creation is in your arms."

Wowww! Lest we forget that the sweet baby Jesus that we see in the nativity scene is solely a baby... He is not!! He is fully our powerful Lord and Savior. Amen.

I think this probably wraps up the most important things of the last couple weeks. I do have some recent pictures of Baxter I should post. And my free time is about to disappear as I begin to study MCAT at least 20 hours a week, work full time and lead youth group at church too. I just pray that I spend this time in between doing exactly what the Lord has planned for me. Anything that brings Him glory..

I heard these lyrics on the radio today at lunch.. they have resonated in my heart.. how differently God does things than we expect Him to. I love it.. He keeps us on our toes and is such a fun God!

.. Now I'm not one to second guess what angels have to say
But this is such a strange way to save the world ..

THE interview

I'm sitting here in Madison at my sweet "madison family's" house.. in my new pajamas which are oh so soft (it's a nightgown.. pretty sure I haven't worn a nightgown since I was 5..) .. contemplating the rest of my day. You see, I know exactly what my day holds. I've done this before.. I can pretty much walk through it minute by minute of what it's going to bring.


Today. I interview for medical school. AGAIN. And this time, I'm praying what everything within me that they let me in. Yet as I sit here, perhaps I am just filled with a peace that comes from the Lord or I haven't fully grasped what I am about to encounter. I have run, showered, eaten breakfast and yet am not nervous at all. A little sleepy perhaps.. hence putting the pajamas back on. Nervous? no. Anxious? not yet. I prayed as I ran this morning and I prayed that today I would show the admissions committee the way that God has ordained every step of my life to bring specifically to this place. I prayed that they would see my passion, determination, and yet above that, that they would see my life being laid before the Father the only way that I know how to lay it. 


I seek medical school with my whole heart because it is where God has led me.. it is the longing and the passion He has put inside me 11 years ago... half my life I have wanted this... now I just pray that I truly get the opportunity to let His light shine. 
Because more than anything, I want to bring Him glory. 


And if medical school was part of that glory plan.. well then heck! Bring. It. On. 

His ways are not our ways

I realized tonight as I puzzled over the last years of my life.. I realized that God's plan was never to be without pain. I wondered about situations I had encountered and I pondered if I was outside of the Lord's will for my life because it just hurt so bad sometimes. Yet, in the midst of my wondering, He stopped me and said, "Think of all the times My people have suffered.. Even my own Son had to die a tragic death." And I realized how right He was ( duhh.. He is always right)..

Just because I am going through situations which bring my heart pain, it doesn't mean I am outside of His will for my life. It may mean I am right inside it. It may mean I am walking through fire and being refined before I can get to the other side.

Although I love the life I am living today.. I never intended my life to look like this as a 22 year old. I had a completely different place to be living, and I had expected different people to be in my life. I expected things to turn out completely differently. But just because I am here now, and it hurt to get here... yes, yes it did.. doesn't mean that this is not the Lord's will for me right now. On the contrary.. I have never felt more sure that this is where God wants me.

Living with two precious girls, who have such big plans and adventures for their lives that after this year, we may not even be in the same country anymore! Working here at a place I adore.. yet I dream of the day I'm in the one in the white coat. Training a dog I love and cherish yet I realize that if I were in medical school right now he would not be a part of my life. Learning how to be a supportive girlfriend and seek the Lord in that area of my life, as well.

All those things.. I never saw myself having them. Never saw myself here. Yet, here I am .. and you know what? I love it. As much as I long for medical school and to be a student again, I truly love where I am right now.

And I can just see the Lord smiling and nodding His head. Because He, more than anyone, knows the pain my heart went through to get here. And yet, He knew all along that it was all a part of His plan.
So I continue to believe that. And I remember the stories of Moses and slavery.. running away.. Joseph being abandoned by his family.. David and the highs and lows of his life.. all those people were used in such amazing ways by God. And yet their lives held so much pain. They walked through so much hurt on the path that God led them.
Then I look at Jesus.. heck, everywhere He turned someone hated Him.. was out to get Him or try to prove Him wrong about something. He escaped every chance He got to talk to His Father (probably to maintain His sanity about these crazy people in the world that He was going to save).. and I need to learn from Him.

Yes, this road that the Lord has for me will have pain.. His people generally do. It doesn't mean I am outside of His will.. it may mean I am exactly where I should be. And that? That is all that really matters to me: being exactly where the Lord wants me..

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God

There are so many things I feel I should blog about.. my trip to disney.. my adorable puppy and how fat he is (muscle, I tell you, all muscle).. how I've been sick and had to miss work (something I NEVER do).. yet I feel a sense to put all that on the backburner.

Sunday, at Sunday School, we sang a song called "Seek ye first".. and the words resonated in my heart. It became ever so clear to me what we, as Christians, are called to do. Yes, we are called to love, to serve, to be examples of the Lord.. yet I feel like so often we DO so much that we forget to seek Him. We forget to seek HIM first.. and above all else.

How often do I go to bed at night, prayers on my lips and heart and yet, not fully formed because my body is so exhausted? I might offer breath prayers as I go throughout  my day but I should be diligent about spending time in conversation with the Lord.

My day should be focused on seeking His kingdom.. truly seeking Him.. more than I seek to build my friendship with anyone else... more than I should be focused on doing well at work..
more than I should be focused on running in the mornings..

The Lord should truly be my number one focus. I should seek Him above all else. Which is exactly what my 12 year olds were taught Sunday morning and I realized how I needed to be taught that all over again, even as a 22 year old college graduate.

above all else..
my purpose remains..
the art of losing myself
in bringing You praise..

Exciting News!!

I received an email today telling me that I was invited to interview for medical school at UMC in Jackson, MS. I cannot explain the feeling of joy and hope that swelled within my heart. A dream that has seemed like it was slipping away between my fingers suddenly came rushing back full force. I imagined what it would be like to get that email that said Congratulations... I imagined about living in Jackson and being completely overwhelmed by school... I imagined being called Doctor (well that actually happened at work.. a sweet lady I work with was boosting my confidence I'm pretty sure)... all these thoughts and hopes swam in my mind.

I so much want them to become a reality. More specifically, MY reality. Yet I know, all too well, that medical school can still tell me no thank you. Actually, they just say no but no thank you seems more polite.

I was telling my roommate Laura just the other day that I know the Lord's hand has been in this year of my life. I know without a doubt that had He wanted me in medical school this year, He would have and could have moved Heaven and Earth to get me there.

I am excited about this opportunity to interview.. to talk to adults about my passion for medicine.. and to try once more for what I feel like will one day be my career.

Will I get that Congratulations email this time? I'm not sure... but I will keep trying until I get there.

"You were made to fill a purpose
that only you can do...
there could never be
a more beautiful you..."

It's really going to be alright...

All day this past Friday and Saturday I almost couldn't belive the difference in my life that a year made. You see, last year on October 8th and 9th, I planned a visitation and funeral. I set up pictures, picked out a black dress, shook so many people's hands and saw family I hadn't seen in years. 

This year, on October 8th and 9th.. I was on my way to Disney world and at Magic Kingdom. Literally the happiest place on Earth. And I realized these scars that I carry around are just that. They are scars. They are no longer gaping wounds.. it's not what I think about the second I wake up every morning. I'm not scared to go to sleep anymore, because it has sunk in that he really won't be here in the morning when I wake up. I carry those thoughts around with me all day long .. yet I don't dwell on them as I used to. I am able to breathe better now. 

Sara Groves's song "It's going to be alright" resonates in my heart... that maybe I'm getting to the day where I will outlive this pain in my heart and I have gained strength from that which tried to tear me apart... maybe I'm reaching the day where my story can be told and it will mirror the strength and courage of my soul. 

I wanted tonight's post to include pictures of Disney and thoughts of that excitedness. Really though.. this is all I can muster. How different my life is right now than last year. 

I'm working full time.. pouring into a job and a puppydog.. learning each day what it means to be a girlfriend.. deep down in my heart still holding onto the dream of medical school.. yet in all this, my dad is no longer here. He doesn't get to hear about my trip to Disney World or meet my puppy. And tonight? That truth tears the scars open a little bit too much for comfort. 

I do know deep in my heart.. the same part of my heart that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has an intricate plan for my life... that it truly is going to be alright. I have walked through fire and come out on the other side much stronger than before.

It's going to be alright...
You'll outlive this pain in your life
and you'll gain such a strength
from what is tearing you apart....

One Year

On this Friday.. this one a year ago.. I found out devastating news. I recevied a phone call (right before fall break) and on the other end of that phone was my brother telling me that my dad had died. That he had had a heart attack.

My breath was knocked out of me. The day was beautiful.. not a cloud in the blue blue sky and the sun was shining just enough but not too much. MSU campus in the fall was breathtaking... all those things I knew I would remember for the rest of my life. And I will.

Today has been hard as I remembered what this day held last year. Tomorrow.. will officially be a year. I'm not sure how much of a difference one day makes.
It's hard.. it's hard to live in a world where my dad doesn't live anymore. I miss him.

I listened to lots of songs after that day.. read many blogs and books about how to cope with such a close family death. I cried.. got mad.. skipped work some days.. yet always went to class.. I became more vulnerable with my friends and let them see ME and know ME. Even on the days when it really hurt.
Because to be in this life.. you have to really live it.. you can't hole up and hope that others come rescue you.. you have to meet them halfway. And this life? I really want to be in it.
I want to live it.. experience it.. every feeling of it.

I'm one of those people who has to feel everything before I can process it. So something like this? Is quite emotionally taxing on me. I have to go through all the hurt, sad feelings before I can move past it. And honestly? I'm not sure I'm there yet.

I found this quote on someone's blog who had lost a child at birth. I feel like it sums up what I feel most days out of the week.
"Grieving is so much more than just being sad. Grieving is comeing to terms not only with what has been lost but also what will never be. Grieving is about finding some way to cope in a world that no longer makes sense, searching for answers to questions one's mind fails to find words to form. Grieving is about forcing oneself to take this life but one breath at a time, just as God instructed, and its about having enough faith to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when it seems that nothing but more darkness lies ahead."

It seems to sum up exactly what I needed to say.. but never found the words. It's exactly how I feel. That there are so many things I need to grieve before I can "move on".. whatever that means.

Tomorrow? Will probably still hurt. I am blessed to have sweet friends who do their best to shower me in presents and things to do like massages! The truth of tomorrow remains the same though.. my dad still isn't here. And that brings an unbelieveable amount of sorrow to my heart that generally pours out through my eyes.

I learned from a song by Sarah Groves though.. that "I believe you will outlive this pain in your heart and you will gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart... after some time has passed and the story can be told it will mirror the strength and the courage of your soul"..
has enough time passed? Was my soul truly courageous?
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Lord gave me a strength I didn't know I could possess... the week after my dad died I learned how to plan a funeral, buy death certificates and all kinds of things a 21 year old should never EVER have to do. It hurt.. and yet, it helped me cope because it gave me something to do. Lots of somethings.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow won't be filled with to-do lists and my mind won't be whirring of things to get done like these days last year were. Tomorrow .. there will be lots of memories and thoughts. That include "it hurts.. it doesn't seem right.. how does the sun keep shining and how does the world keep spinning and how do the living keep on living after something like that?"

Honestly.. I'm not entirely sure how I live after last October 2. Because sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes. And goodbyes are something I've never been very good with..

Who I am today... is completely a result of this day last year. I walked through fire and was refined before I came out on the other side. I learned how to let the Lord lead more than I wanted to let Him.. and I learned that it was okay to talk to Him about it.. yell.. be upset.. all He asked was that I bring it to Him.. whatever it was.. to bring it to Him..
and tomorrow.. I bring that to Him too.. and lay it at His feet..

when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
.. just watch and see.. it will not be.. unredeemed..