Seek ye first the Kingdom of God

There are so many things I feel I should blog about.. my trip to disney.. my adorable puppy and how fat he is (muscle, I tell you, all muscle).. how I've been sick and had to miss work (something I NEVER do).. yet I feel a sense to put all that on the backburner.

Sunday, at Sunday School, we sang a song called "Seek ye first".. and the words resonated in my heart. It became ever so clear to me what we, as Christians, are called to do. Yes, we are called to love, to serve, to be examples of the Lord.. yet I feel like so often we DO so much that we forget to seek Him. We forget to seek HIM first.. and above all else.

How often do I go to bed at night, prayers on my lips and heart and yet, not fully formed because my body is so exhausted? I might offer breath prayers as I go throughout  my day but I should be diligent about spending time in conversation with the Lord.

My day should be focused on seeking His kingdom.. truly seeking Him.. more than I seek to build my friendship with anyone else... more than I should be focused on doing well at work..
more than I should be focused on running in the mornings..

The Lord should truly be my number one focus. I should seek Him above all else. Which is exactly what my 12 year olds were taught Sunday morning and I realized how I needed to be taught that all over again, even as a 22 year old college graduate.

above all else..
my purpose remains..
the art of losing myself
in bringing You praise..

Exciting News!!

I received an email today telling me that I was invited to interview for medical school at UMC in Jackson, MS. I cannot explain the feeling of joy and hope that swelled within my heart. A dream that has seemed like it was slipping away between my fingers suddenly came rushing back full force. I imagined what it would be like to get that email that said Congratulations... I imagined about living in Jackson and being completely overwhelmed by school... I imagined being called Doctor (well that actually happened at work.. a sweet lady I work with was boosting my confidence I'm pretty sure)... all these thoughts and hopes swam in my mind.

I so much want them to become a reality. More specifically, MY reality. Yet I know, all too well, that medical school can still tell me no thank you. Actually, they just say no but no thank you seems more polite.

I was telling my roommate Laura just the other day that I know the Lord's hand has been in this year of my life. I know without a doubt that had He wanted me in medical school this year, He would have and could have moved Heaven and Earth to get me there.

I am excited about this opportunity to interview.. to talk to adults about my passion for medicine.. and to try once more for what I feel like will one day be my career.

Will I get that Congratulations email this time? I'm not sure... but I will keep trying until I get there.

"You were made to fill a purpose
that only you can do...
there could never be
a more beautiful you..."

It's really going to be alright...

All day this past Friday and Saturday I almost couldn't belive the difference in my life that a year made. You see, last year on October 8th and 9th, I planned a visitation and funeral. I set up pictures, picked out a black dress, shook so many people's hands and saw family I hadn't seen in years. 

This year, on October 8th and 9th.. I was on my way to Disney world and at Magic Kingdom. Literally the happiest place on Earth. And I realized these scars that I carry around are just that. They are scars. They are no longer gaping wounds.. it's not what I think about the second I wake up every morning. I'm not scared to go to sleep anymore, because it has sunk in that he really won't be here in the morning when I wake up. I carry those thoughts around with me all day long .. yet I don't dwell on them as I used to. I am able to breathe better now. 

Sara Groves's song "It's going to be alright" resonates in my heart... that maybe I'm getting to the day where I will outlive this pain in my heart and I have gained strength from that which tried to tear me apart... maybe I'm reaching the day where my story can be told and it will mirror the strength and courage of my soul. 

I wanted tonight's post to include pictures of Disney and thoughts of that excitedness. Really though.. this is all I can muster. How different my life is right now than last year. 

I'm working full time.. pouring into a job and a puppydog.. learning each day what it means to be a girlfriend.. deep down in my heart still holding onto the dream of medical school.. yet in all this, my dad is no longer here. He doesn't get to hear about my trip to Disney World or meet my puppy. And tonight? That truth tears the scars open a little bit too much for comfort. 

I do know deep in my heart.. the same part of my heart that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has an intricate plan for my life... that it truly is going to be alright. I have walked through fire and come out on the other side much stronger than before.

It's going to be alright...
You'll outlive this pain in your life
and you'll gain such a strength
from what is tearing you apart....

One Year

On this Friday.. this one a year ago.. I found out devastating news. I recevied a phone call (right before fall break) and on the other end of that phone was my brother telling me that my dad had died. That he had had a heart attack.

My breath was knocked out of me. The day was beautiful.. not a cloud in the blue blue sky and the sun was shining just enough but not too much. MSU campus in the fall was breathtaking... all those things I knew I would remember for the rest of my life. And I will.

Today has been hard as I remembered what this day held last year. Tomorrow.. will officially be a year. I'm not sure how much of a difference one day makes.
It's hard.. it's hard to live in a world where my dad doesn't live anymore. I miss him.

I listened to lots of songs after that day.. read many blogs and books about how to cope with such a close family death. I cried.. got mad.. skipped work some days.. yet always went to class.. I became more vulnerable with my friends and let them see ME and know ME. Even on the days when it really hurt.
Because to be in this life.. you have to really live it.. you can't hole up and hope that others come rescue you.. you have to meet them halfway. And this life? I really want to be in it.
I want to live it.. experience it.. every feeling of it.

I'm one of those people who has to feel everything before I can process it. So something like this? Is quite emotionally taxing on me. I have to go through all the hurt, sad feelings before I can move past it. And honestly? I'm not sure I'm there yet.

I found this quote on someone's blog who had lost a child at birth. I feel like it sums up what I feel most days out of the week.
"Grieving is so much more than just being sad. Grieving is comeing to terms not only with what has been lost but also what will never be. Grieving is about finding some way to cope in a world that no longer makes sense, searching for answers to questions one's mind fails to find words to form. Grieving is about forcing oneself to take this life but one breath at a time, just as God instructed, and its about having enough faith to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when it seems that nothing but more darkness lies ahead."

It seems to sum up exactly what I needed to say.. but never found the words. It's exactly how I feel. That there are so many things I need to grieve before I can "move on".. whatever that means.

Tomorrow? Will probably still hurt. I am blessed to have sweet friends who do their best to shower me in presents and things to do like massages! The truth of tomorrow remains the same though.. my dad still isn't here. And that brings an unbelieveable amount of sorrow to my heart that generally pours out through my eyes.

I learned from a song by Sarah Groves though.. that "I believe you will outlive this pain in your heart and you will gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart... after some time has passed and the story can be told it will mirror the strength and the courage of your soul"..
has enough time passed? Was my soul truly courageous?
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Lord gave me a strength I didn't know I could possess... the week after my dad died I learned how to plan a funeral, buy death certificates and all kinds of things a 21 year old should never EVER have to do. It hurt.. and yet, it helped me cope because it gave me something to do. Lots of somethings.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow won't be filled with to-do lists and my mind won't be whirring of things to get done like these days last year were. Tomorrow .. there will be lots of memories and thoughts. That include "it hurts.. it doesn't seem right.. how does the sun keep shining and how does the world keep spinning and how do the living keep on living after something like that?"

Honestly.. I'm not entirely sure how I live after last October 2. Because sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes. And goodbyes are something I've never been very good with..

Who I am today... is completely a result of this day last year. I walked through fire and was refined before I came out on the other side. I learned how to let the Lord lead more than I wanted to let Him.. and I learned that it was okay to talk to Him about it.. yell.. be upset.. all He asked was that I bring it to Him.. whatever it was.. to bring it to Him..
and tomorrow.. I bring that to Him too.. and lay it at His feet..

when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
.. just watch and see.. it will not be.. unredeemed..