a heart's longing

"If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next." (Elisabeth Elliot)

I read this quote today on facebook and it immediately struck a chord in my heart. How often do we try and find our true happiness here on Earth? We try to fill and fill our lives and hearts with things that will make us happy here. 

Like good grades or jobs falling into place after graduation. There are so many things that we reach after and spend our lives trying to achieve only to realize they are fading as quickly as the morning fog. 

Lately I've been realizing how much the Lord is teaching me about humility and pouring myself out completely to let Him fill me up. Emptying myself of all preconceived ideas and expectations. Knowing that He is good and Holy and worthy of all honor and praise. And knowing that He loves me with a love that is beyond my comprehension. 

Knowing those two things, reinforces the fact that I trust Him. And reminds me of the bold, yet true statement that I also believe: I would rather stand beside Him in the rain than separated from Him in the sun. 

The Lord is constantly pulling me back to His heart and reminding me that His thoughts and ways are so very different than those on this Earth. It's His heart that I long to know more... not to please those here on Earth. I pray that never changes. 

He is always faithful

I listen to a lot of music.. well, at least on my drives to and from school. Sometimes I get tired of the music I listen to on my ipod and attempt to try the Jackson radio. But usually, I go with what I know and listen to a playlist on my ipod.
A lot of those songs are worship songs and praise songs with some random stuff thrown in there!

This morning I was on my way to school, with Baxter who is going to his friend Cosmo's house to play today! (thanks Anna and Andrew!) I was listening to a Sarah Groves song that talks about His faithfulness. And I recalled all the times in my life when He has been surely that.
Because I am an odd one.. I like to talk to Baxter when he is in the car. I think he likes it too. He always turns his head and tries to figure out what I'm saying. So, while we were in the car this morning I was saying out loud the ways that the Lord has been faithful to me.
I've found that when I say things out loud and hear them, it remind me how true it is. I love to read Scripture out loud for that very reason. I feel like some things were just meant to be said out loud!

It was a joy for me to be reminded of the ways He has always been faithful to me.

This month is affectionately known as "Blacktober" here in the M1 medical school community. We have had 7 tests in 7 days.. 4 on one Monday and then 3 this past Monday. It has been a busy month. Unfortunately, I don't think November gets any better. We have 7 more tests before Thanksgiving break.
Some tests have gone well and some have not. That seems to be the way things work for me. You see... I thought (quite incorrectly) that if med school is where God wanted me to be then I would "do well". And in my mind, I meant do well by my standards. That I would make the grades I wanted and would be a successful, little well adjusted future doctor. That I would be able to say, Oh to God be all the glory for giving me these great test grades.

That hasn't been the case over the past 11 weeks. I know I have walked through some very hard things in my life so I can't say this is the hardest thing I've ever done.. but it is definitely in the top 5. I am realizing that my grades are not a measure of success that I should measure myself by. The Lord is teaching me dependence on Him in an entirely new way. And as hard as it has been, I love Him wholeheartedly. So much so that I would rather stand beside Him through a lifetime of rain than in the sunshine without Him. So much so that even if my grades are just passing after all the work that I've put in, if that's truly where He wants me, I will embrace it.

A friend reminded me last week that I am simply a vessel that the Lord wants to use. I have to empty myself of me and my preconceived ideas of this life. I know that He is good, holy and worthy of praise. Regardless of my day, my mood, my feelings, those things will NEVER change. I know that He will take the gifts He has given me and mold my life into something that will be praising to Him. And sometimes, His plans look very different than mine.
And that's when I remember all the ways He has been faithful. I remember how I didn't have a job, and He found me a job. I remember that I didn't have a place to live and He found one of those too. He led me to sweet friends who are so encouraging, to a puppydog who is precious and full of life, to a boyfriend who makes my heart sing in incredible ways. He truly has been so faithful. And I know that He will continue to be so. And that fact, in and of itself, causes me to continue pouring my life out before Him.

"When all you want in your life is what God wants in your life then all your life you will have all you want."

My friends and I in highschool would say this quote to each other a lot. They are still some of the most encouraging and influential people in my life.

Anddddd just for fun.. some recent pictures!

After our 4-test Monday, I had this guy come and spend some time with me. What a sweet blessing he is in my life. He is encouraging in ways that can come only from the heart of the Father. He loves me with a love that is greater than anything on this earth. It is just another example of how faithful the Lord has been to bring us to each other. I hope that our relationship always brings Him all the glory because I thank Him for it, EVERY DAY!!

Sweet Seattle friend! I have missed Mallory so much. And my relational skills of reaching out has drastically diminished since med school started. I promise I won't be a bad friend forever. We had so much fun at dinner.. able to pick up where we left off and chat and laugh! What a joy she is. (with cuteeeee short hair!) 

This little guy laid his head in my lap the other night when I came home and didn't want to leave. I spend about 14-15 hours a day away my house and away from sweet Baxy. I do my best to be a good dog owner but sometime studying must come first. This sweet guy, though.. he always understands. And is so precious. 

"He's always been faithful" by Sarah Groves

Praise Him for His faithfulness, always. 

I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. --Psalm 146:2

Being Carried

I've been in school now for almost 9 weeks. Well, 10 if you count orientation week. And a lot of them have been really hard. I am making new friends, living in a new place, going to a new church, and depending on God in a new way. It's not like I'm alone in this journey, quite the contrary, actually. However, there are some things that the people around me can't do for me. They can't go to class and learn this material or take the tests. They can support me and hold me up.. but the actual school part and stress part and learning part? That's up to me. And the Lord. But also me.

And this week, I've been reminded of how much He longs to carry us. I think sometimes we are put in situations where we HAVE to depend on Him. Or otherwise realize how inadequate we are by ourselves. And although I have people I can depend on daily, He is truly all I need. He is what is essential for me. And that's how it's supposed to be. If you stripped away everything else, school, the boy, family, friends, comfortable living, He would still be enough for me. And I think when I realize that I hold everything else a little bit more with open, loose hands instead of clutching, tight hands. He is a loving, blessing, good Father. We trust Him as that in Bible stories.. yet somehow it's harder to trust that in our real lives.

He is challenging me with that. The thought that He is truly all that I need. He is essential and everything else, as much as I love it or feel called to it, is not. And that gives me a Heavenly perspective which is sometimes so hard to find in this earthly world.

Below is a quote that I read on Ann Voskamp's blog the other day. It is in the context of Ephesians 6 and Paul's words about the armor of God. I really liked it and remembered how true that really is!

Life’s not hard because you’re doing anything wrong: Life is a battle. Put on your armor.

I'm in medical school?

So I'm in medical school now. But most of the time I have to look around and pinch myself that I am actually here. I waited and tried so long for this... and to be honest, it's not exactly like I thought it would be. It's hard.. yes I knew that would be true. I don't think I completely anticipated just how much material I was expected to learn in such a short amount of time.

I am being stretched in ways I didn't know I could be stretched. I am changing, that is for sure. Hopefully for the better? I know that in 4 years when this is all over, I want to be a changed person who is a better physician because of it.

This has been a hard week. Two tests, three year anniversary of my dad's death, sinus infection/cold, impending tests.. it's just been a tough one. And it's weeks like this I take a step back and look around at what is really important. And you know what? As much as I love medical school and love the idea of being a doctor, it's not the most important thing in my life.
Jesus? Yeah, He is important in my life. Cole? Yeah, that boy has my heart, hands down. My friends and family? Baxter? ha.. yea, he's cute. Those are the most important things to me. And I don't want to lose sight of that during these hard weeks.

I am so incredibly blessed to be here. I look around and realize I have all I have ever prayed for. Medical school, a precious best friend boyfriend, sweet puppydog, family to live with and love on me daily, a nearness to Jesus that could rival anytime in my life. All those things are incredible blessings. And I just need to remind myself sometimes how blessed I am.

Hard weeks will continue to happen. The first week of October will always be on the calendar, however much I dislike it, I don't think it's going away.

"All of my life, in every season You are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

sweet boyfriend. he and I wielding dual coke! I feel like we could be in a coca cola ad. 

Alex and Lianne's wedding.

sweet baxter boy. He was officially two years old in this picture. 

my new roommate. she's adorable. 

family. :) 

best best-friend ever. 

my white coat ceremony at the beginning of medical school.

oh man, I love this Savannah-girl. I'm not entirely sure what I would do without her. Probably drop out of medical school. (no, but seriously)