One Year

On this Friday.. this one a year ago.. I found out devastating news. I recevied a phone call (right before fall break) and on the other end of that phone was my brother telling me that my dad had died. That he had had a heart attack.

My breath was knocked out of me. The day was beautiful.. not a cloud in the blue blue sky and the sun was shining just enough but not too much. MSU campus in the fall was breathtaking... all those things I knew I would remember for the rest of my life. And I will.

Today has been hard as I remembered what this day held last year. Tomorrow.. will officially be a year. I'm not sure how much of a difference one day makes.
It's hard.. it's hard to live in a world where my dad doesn't live anymore. I miss him.

I listened to lots of songs after that day.. read many blogs and books about how to cope with such a close family death. I cried.. got mad.. skipped work some days.. yet always went to class.. I became more vulnerable with my friends and let them see ME and know ME. Even on the days when it really hurt.
Because to be in this life.. you have to really live it.. you can't hole up and hope that others come rescue you.. you have to meet them halfway. And this life? I really want to be in it.
I want to live it.. experience it.. every feeling of it.

I'm one of those people who has to feel everything before I can process it. So something like this? Is quite emotionally taxing on me. I have to go through all the hurt, sad feelings before I can move past it. And honestly? I'm not sure I'm there yet.

I found this quote on someone's blog who had lost a child at birth. I feel like it sums up what I feel most days out of the week.
"Grieving is so much more than just being sad. Grieving is comeing to terms not only with what has been lost but also what will never be. Grieving is about finding some way to cope in a world that no longer makes sense, searching for answers to questions one's mind fails to find words to form. Grieving is about forcing oneself to take this life but one breath at a time, just as God instructed, and its about having enough faith to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when it seems that nothing but more darkness lies ahead."

It seems to sum up exactly what I needed to say.. but never found the words. It's exactly how I feel. That there are so many things I need to grieve before I can "move on".. whatever that means.

Tomorrow? Will probably still hurt. I am blessed to have sweet friends who do their best to shower me in presents and things to do like massages! The truth of tomorrow remains the same though.. my dad still isn't here. And that brings an unbelieveable amount of sorrow to my heart that generally pours out through my eyes.

I learned from a song by Sarah Groves though.. that "I believe you will outlive this pain in your heart and you will gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart... after some time has passed and the story can be told it will mirror the strength and the courage of your soul"..
has enough time passed? Was my soul truly courageous?
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Lord gave me a strength I didn't know I could possess... the week after my dad died I learned how to plan a funeral, buy death certificates and all kinds of things a 21 year old should never EVER have to do. It hurt.. and yet, it helped me cope because it gave me something to do. Lots of somethings.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow won't be filled with to-do lists and my mind won't be whirring of things to get done like these days last year were. Tomorrow .. there will be lots of memories and thoughts. That include "it hurts.. it doesn't seem right.. how does the sun keep shining and how does the world keep spinning and how do the living keep on living after something like that?"

Honestly.. I'm not entirely sure how I live after last October 2. Because sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes. And goodbyes are something I've never been very good with..

Who I am today... is completely a result of this day last year. I walked through fire and was refined before I came out on the other side. I learned how to let the Lord lead more than I wanted to let Him.. and I learned that it was okay to talk to Him about it.. yell.. be upset.. all He asked was that I bring it to Him.. whatever it was.. to bring it to Him..
and tomorrow.. I bring that to Him too.. and lay it at His feet..

when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
.. just watch and see.. it will not be.. unredeemed..