I'm still learning..

Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. 

Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. 

Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. 

Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God.

He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form.

And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross. 

Because of his, God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name that is above every other name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 

-- Philippians 2: 3-11

Incredibly convicting words that Paul wrote.. I'm still learning how to have such a humble, selfless, giving attitude in all that I do. I am also reminded in these verses of how much praise and glory we should give Jesus Christ. "Every knee will bow" is what it says... so often I don't bow in reverent worship enough. 

Holy Holy Holy 

is the Lord God Almighty

Who was and is and is to come

With all creation I sing

Praise to the King of Kings

You are my everything

And I will adore You

Learning to bloom where I'm planted..

In my last post, I said that I had shared my spiritual journey for the college students at The Journey. I had to use multiple scriptural references.. which meant narrowing it down a lot. There's so many verses that talk about God's support and His love for us, etc.

I talked about Jeremiah 29:11... and I talked about how we can't take that verse out of context. So I looked it all up and read about the Israelites and what they were experiencing in Jeremiah 29.  Turns out, he (jeremiah) was writing a letter to them from God. Because God always used messengers... His people were afraid to look at Him, they were afraid they would die. (do we still feel that way sometimes? That we don't want to look Him in the face? you know, because of the sacrifice of Jesus, we have the great privilege of being able to do that)

Anyway, in Jeremiah 29, God's people had been exiled from Jerusalem (their land) to Babylon (NOT their land). Crazy king Neb (shortening), who in my head will always be the crazy king from Veggie Tales who built a big chocolate bunny statue that he wanted everyone to worship. Crazy king Neb had exiled these Israelites from their rightful home to his land in Babylon. Back then... power was seen in people. And probably sheep or something like that.

God has sent this letter to the exiled people and I can hear them draw in a breath as someone starts to read the letter. I'm sure they are all praying that it's a battle plan.. a plan to get them home that day in time for dinner and their favorite TV show (well... maybe not THAT..). But a plan for them to get out of Babylon and back to Jerusalem.. their rightful home.

Yet... that's not at all what this letter said. God told them to make themselves comfortable. He told them to make homes, plant gardens, get married, have kids and let them get married! Basically, they weren't coming home yet. This was going to be their home for a while... a long while... 70 years to be exact. And after that exact amount of time had passed, He was going to come get them, rescue them and bring them back to Jerusalem. He explicitly tells them that He knows exactly what He is doing. Even though this is not at all what they wanted. I'm sure, more than anything, they just wanted to go home. To go back to normal. To go back to the time before life was so crazy and out of whack. But God says otherwise... He tells them to settle in. Learn to deal with it... but even more than deal with it, He calls them to make this new place their home and to enjoy it.
It wasn't what they wanted.. at all. He tells them to pray for Babylon and pray for it's leaders and such. That if things are going well for Babylon, things will go well for them too. If I were those exiled I would pray for Babylon simply under selfishness.. that I would want things to go well for me!

After reading the whole chapter.. it puts verse 11 in different context. God is saying that often, our life is not what we expect it to be. That verse sounds so happy.. that God has good plans for us and for our future. So often, we assume those good, happy plans will be the ones that we made. 9 times out of 10 it's not. It's not the plans we made for ourselves... it's the ones that God had for us. Which so often look different than what we would plan.

Maybe it's living in a town you never thought you'd be in. Or it's working at a job where you are miserable. Or it's the unknown of not knowing where to go to school. Or what to do with your life. Or how to get what you want out of life.

This chapter spoke so loudly to me in my life now. I am under such a longing for what I thought my life would include.. medical school.. a dad.. married parents.. a life outside of Starkville perhaps? What I have to remember is that this is the life that the Lord has blessed me with. And you know what? I truly do love every minute of it. yes, it's hard.. parts are not so fun. Beyond that though... God has brought me to this place, and said "Be yourself here. Get used to it. Make roots and bloom where you are planted. And in my time, I will uproot you and bring you back to where you belong."

The amazing thing though about that promise is the timing... in 70 years, all these exiled people hearing this letter would be dead. They would never get to go back to Jerusalem. God was going to call them Home before they make it back to their homeland.
Our lives may never get back to that track where we saw them .. we may get called Home before then. This Babylon, though? It can be our home. Truly it can. The Lord has put us here and told us, not asked us, but told us to make roots.. let them grow deep and to get settled. And to remember in the midst of all the people who will say that He is not in this or doesn't exist in our Babylons.. He asks us to remember His God degree. To remember exactly who He is.

He is the one who parted the Red Sea.
The one who sent a flood and after that a rainbow.
He is the one who came in the still small voice.
He is the one who sent His son.
He is one who loved us until the death.

He is the one who says this: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

A Warm Day in February

If you live anywhere near Mississippi, you are probably doing something revolving the outdoors today. It is simply beautiful out there. Temperatures hovering near the 70's, bright sun out and a sky as blue as the ocean. I love it.

I am inside today.. in my apartment fighting some sort of random sickness that has robbed my body of all energy and dictated that I sleep 16 hours a day. Oh, and I have a sore throat. Who knows what this mystery sickness may be.

I do know that nothing slows me down quicker than being sick.

I spent this past weekend in Jackson helping with a college retreat called The Journey.. such a refreshing weekend of meeting new friends, getting to know people better, having the courage and strength to stand up in front of a crowd and share my spiritual journey.. only to come back and be sick for two days.. even missing work.. which I rarely do.

So.. to catch you up on the past month of my life.. I did get a Macbook Pro. I love it so so much. Yes, I have received my MCAT materials and even started studying Monday night but took yesterday off because I felt so yucky. We'll see how it goes tonight.

The past month continues to bring situations to my life where I must lay my life at the feet of Jesus and trust that He simply knows best. He knows best for my future.. for where I should live or work next year.. for who should be a part of my life.. and He knows best to slow me down so that I don't live life at a breathtaking neck breaking speed. He slows me down enough so that I must listen to Him and quiet my soul.

I have contemplated many things today as I lay in my bed and rest while Baxter rests in his kennel (on his own accord!). On days when it is pretty outside, I feel so much closer to the Lord... like He has reached down and made this day beautiful just for me.
In a book that I am reading right now, it talks about how worship is a way of life.. not just a word that we use to describe the singing portion of a service on Sunday morning. It also talks about how everything created was created to make us worship. The sky as blue as a ocean? created so we would stop and worship the Lord. Birds singing and the sun shining? Created so we would stop and worship the Lord.
I think days like this cause us to slow down a little and bring glory to the Creator of all things. For our sakes, I hope we remember this truth even on the days when the sun doesn't shine as brightly and maybe the birds don't sing.

That we remember exactly we were created to do... we were created to worship Christ the King.
Christ the Creator.
Christ the Redeemer.
Christ our Savior.

.. come and worship.. come and worship.. worship Christ the newborn King..

new year.. new goals..

Okay so the year is already 11 days in.. so perhaps the phrase "new year" has come and gone. And with it so many fun things. A crazy rain storm new years night, MSU winning the Gator Bowl.. or should I say pulverizing Michigan? Yes, let's go with pulverizing Michigan! The new year has also brought a purchase of MCAT studying materials (which should arrive soon) and the hope of the purchase of a new computer (Macbook Pro all the wayyy for apt 8!).

The newest fun thing that this year brought was a snow storm to sweet Starkville which put my friends out of school for a day and put me out of work for a day and a half.. glorious, glorious times. We played and played in the snow (after we got done complaining that it wasn't snowing enough..). My friends and I walked to campus with Baxter in tow and pelted each other with snowballs along the way, tried out many sledding hills on the way there til finally settling on the biggest hill in town (or so we thought) behind the MSU postoffice. We acted like a bunch of 5 year olds.. sliding down the hill and sprinting back up. Definitely the most fun of the year thus far! I decided I want to live somewhere that it snows some during the year. Not feet and feet of snow, but definitely a couple inches every now and then.

I am slowly embracing the idea of MCAT studying every night. I began tonight reading one of the workbooks that was emailed to me.. with the assurance that a hard copy was soon to follow. This semester will be quite different from the last as I spend most of my time after work studying instead of simply giving in to whatever I wanted to do any given night. I keep reminding myself that by acing this test I am one step closer to my dream.. and I am counting on you guys to remind me of that too! Daily, if need be!!

The other thing I hope this new year brings is a newfound closeness between me and Jesus. I so enjoy talking to Him as I go throughout my day.. and I enjoy reading books about different views of Christianity and such. It is such a blessing in my life these days to have time to do that.. to read whatever type of books I want.

Last but not least.. I should share some pictures of my last couple weeks!

sweet Raysha and I at a wedding.. and now she is married.. whoa!!

the boyfriend.. you would not believe how hard we had to try to get a good picture (insert some kind of joke here....)

partial small group reunion over christmas! we missed you drew!

Merry Christmas family!

this sweet puppy dog still holds my heart

I will try to blog more these days.. but I really make no promises seeing as how most of the things I would blog about would be MCAT related.. and probably not very interesting to anyone but myself. Nevertheless, I shall try!

Wellll......

I have been informed that perhaps I have been an absent blogger. That is true yet it has been a necessary break. I only like to blog when I feel things so deeply that I want to share them with others. Lately though, the things I've been feeling I've only wanted to share with select few people.

I'm not even sure how to begin summing up the past two months so I'll just begin and do my very best.

I did not get into medical school. AGAIN. It was a strange sense of deja vu .. to get the email and know what it said although I had really prayed that it would say something different. Where am I going from here? I'm really not any more sure today than I was on November 17th (when I originally found out). I went through some days when I wanted to give up and try something different.. yet that nagging feeling was constantly in my heart.. what if.. what if I took the MCAT and applied again.. what if I got in that time?
I'm not giving up.. I truly feel the Lord is calling me to medical school. My desire to be a doctor is deeper than anything else .. I think if I ever tried to do something else I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Something else that's been really fun the last few weeks is that Cole has been home. What a blessing he is in my life! Whether we are watching a movie, playing a game or going to Wal Mart on Christmas Eve (crazyyy we are..) we have so much fun together. He challenges me in so many ways.. in what I say and how I act towards others. He brings out the best in me and allows me to relax in life. We are different in so many ways and I marvel at that.. yet the ways the Lord has brought us together is amazing. The way we can talk about life, about what we feel God is calling us to do, the way we support each other.. it's all such a blessing in my life.

Each year around Christmas time I pray that God will teach me something new about the Christmas story. I've been hearing it for years.. reading it on my own enough to recite it yet I never want it to lost its authenticity. This year was no exception.. Christmas Eve morning I pulled a book off my shelf that I had never read. A friends mom got it for me as a gift last year for Christmas. It's written by Max Lucado, "An Angel's Story".. such a different perspective for me. The entire book is written from an angel's perspective of the birth of Jesus. It's just incredible to remember that the sweet baby we picture in the manger was also FULLY God.. He has all the power, strength and deserves all the honor and praise too.
The book opens with God's decision to give the world a second gift.. the first gift being choice and Jesus being the second gift. The book explores the battle that takes place between good and evil, in the midst of Jesus being born there was a battle... because Satan wanted nothing more than to keep this second gift from coming to the world.
"Our minds were filled with Truth we had never before known. We became aware for the first time of the Father's plan to rescue those who bear His name. He revealed to us all that was to come. At once amazed and stunned, the eye of every angel went to one part of the child: the hands which would be pierced... they will be healed because of His wounds."
The angels are in awe of the Lord's plan. And they tell Mary this:
"Do you know who you hold, Mary? You secure the Author of grace. He who is ageless is now moments old. He who is limitless is now suckling your milk. He who strides upon the stars, now has legs too weak to walk; the hands which held the oceans are now an infant's fist. To Him who has never asked a question, you will teach the name of the wind. The Source of language will learn words from you. He who has never stumbled, you will carry. He who has never hungered you will feed. The King of creation is in your arms."

Wowww! Lest we forget that the sweet baby Jesus that we see in the nativity scene is solely a baby... He is not!! He is fully our powerful Lord and Savior. Amen.

I think this probably wraps up the most important things of the last couple weeks. I do have some recent pictures of Baxter I should post. And my free time is about to disappear as I begin to study MCAT at least 20 hours a week, work full time and lead youth group at church too. I just pray that I spend this time in between doing exactly what the Lord has planned for me. Anything that brings Him glory..

I heard these lyrics on the radio today at lunch.. they have resonated in my heart.. how differently God does things than we expect Him to. I love it.. He keeps us on our toes and is such a fun God!

.. Now I'm not one to second guess what angels have to say
But this is such a strange way to save the world ..

THE interview

I'm sitting here in Madison at my sweet "madison family's" house.. in my new pajamas which are oh so soft (it's a nightgown.. pretty sure I haven't worn a nightgown since I was 5..) .. contemplating the rest of my day. You see, I know exactly what my day holds. I've done this before.. I can pretty much walk through it minute by minute of what it's going to bring.


Today. I interview for medical school. AGAIN. And this time, I'm praying what everything within me that they let me in. Yet as I sit here, perhaps I am just filled with a peace that comes from the Lord or I haven't fully grasped what I am about to encounter. I have run, showered, eaten breakfast and yet am not nervous at all. A little sleepy perhaps.. hence putting the pajamas back on. Nervous? no. Anxious? not yet. I prayed as I ran this morning and I prayed that today I would show the admissions committee the way that God has ordained every step of my life to bring specifically to this place. I prayed that they would see my passion, determination, and yet above that, that they would see my life being laid before the Father the only way that I know how to lay it. 


I seek medical school with my whole heart because it is where God has led me.. it is the longing and the passion He has put inside me 11 years ago... half my life I have wanted this... now I just pray that I truly get the opportunity to let His light shine. 
Because more than anything, I want to bring Him glory. 


And if medical school was part of that glory plan.. well then heck! Bring. It. On. 

His ways are not our ways

I realized tonight as I puzzled over the last years of my life.. I realized that God's plan was never to be without pain. I wondered about situations I had encountered and I pondered if I was outside of the Lord's will for my life because it just hurt so bad sometimes. Yet, in the midst of my wondering, He stopped me and said, "Think of all the times My people have suffered.. Even my own Son had to die a tragic death." And I realized how right He was ( duhh.. He is always right)..

Just because I am going through situations which bring my heart pain, it doesn't mean I am outside of His will for my life. It may mean I am right inside it. It may mean I am walking through fire and being refined before I can get to the other side.

Although I love the life I am living today.. I never intended my life to look like this as a 22 year old. I had a completely different place to be living, and I had expected different people to be in my life. I expected things to turn out completely differently. But just because I am here now, and it hurt to get here... yes, yes it did.. doesn't mean that this is not the Lord's will for me right now. On the contrary.. I have never felt more sure that this is where God wants me.

Living with two precious girls, who have such big plans and adventures for their lives that after this year, we may not even be in the same country anymore! Working here at a place I adore.. yet I dream of the day I'm in the one in the white coat. Training a dog I love and cherish yet I realize that if I were in medical school right now he would not be a part of my life. Learning how to be a supportive girlfriend and seek the Lord in that area of my life, as well.

All those things.. I never saw myself having them. Never saw myself here. Yet, here I am .. and you know what? I love it. As much as I long for medical school and to be a student again, I truly love where I am right now.

And I can just see the Lord smiling and nodding His head. Because He, more than anyone, knows the pain my heart went through to get here. And yet, He knew all along that it was all a part of His plan.
So I continue to believe that. And I remember the stories of Moses and slavery.. running away.. Joseph being abandoned by his family.. David and the highs and lows of his life.. all those people were used in such amazing ways by God. And yet their lives held so much pain. They walked through so much hurt on the path that God led them.
Then I look at Jesus.. heck, everywhere He turned someone hated Him.. was out to get Him or try to prove Him wrong about something. He escaped every chance He got to talk to His Father (probably to maintain His sanity about these crazy people in the world that He was going to save).. and I need to learn from Him.

Yes, this road that the Lord has for me will have pain.. His people generally do. It doesn't mean I am outside of His will.. it may mean I am exactly where I should be. And that? That is all that really matters to me: being exactly where the Lord wants me..